They tell you to leave the toxic relationship. They look at you and can’t comprehend how it’s possible that you are allowing this. But they don’t know how hard it is. They don’t know that the person you’re entangled with never presented themselves as toxic in the beginning. They disguised themselves as an angel, a person who so carefully looked at your needs and gave you exactly what you needed at that time.
They don’t know that a toxic person is so smart, so skillful at their craft, that they know exactly how to win you back after they mess up. They cry, they scream, they bombard you with love and good actions. Yes, they hard mess with you, and this pattern is one hell of an emotional roller coaster. You don’t know whether to give up or to give them another chance. And if you actually love them, then leaving feels like another kind of torture.
They tell you that you should love yourself enough to walk away from them, and it hits you that maybe there is still a lot of work you need to do emotionally. That maybe they’re right, you need to love yourself a little extra every night. It hits you that people see the madness of it all when you don’t; you’re so blinded that it scares you.
Leave the toxic relationship, they say, you deserve so much more. But what if this is all you have ever known? You’ve learned to associate this toxicity with love. What if there was no one who showed you what healthy love looks like so that you could have something to compare it to? The silver lining.
They tell you to leave the toxic relationship, and they are right a million times over. It breaks your heart, and you hope that one day you will have the courage to do it, to actually leave and to actually finally free yourself.