Leo liked Pumpkin Spice Lattes before it was even a thing—you know, twenty years ago, before Spotify coffeehouse playlists existed, people still paid with cash, and The Lizzie McGuire Movie had just premiered. It used to be something new, something original, something cool. Something you drank in the passenger’s seat of your mom’s mini van in your new Ugg boots. But now, it’s tired, it’s overdone, it’s bourgeois, and there is nothing a Leo hates more than a trend that’s overstayed its welcome. How will they ever remain trendsetters unless the proletariat are willing to abandon trends of yesteryear? It’s a dilemma that keeps Leo up at night, every night.
Coffee is meant to be black and strong, and anyone who turns it into sugary, dairy soup deserves to be behind bars, according to Aries. In a world of espresso, cold brew, and americanos, Aries fails to see why anyone, anywhere would want a milder, less potent version of the best drink on god’s green earth. How dare these wusses dilute a literal power potion. No one gets out of bed and drinks a glass of milk to wake up in the morning. There’s no such thing as a ‘milk’ martini. Pumpkin spice belongs in a pie on Thanksgiving Day, and that is it. Coffee doesn’t need to be seasonal—it’s perfect just the way it is 24/7 365 days a year.
Pumpkin Spice Lattes are just too American for Sagittarius. They wouldn’t be caught dead ordering egg bites in a drive through. No, no, no, they follow all the rules and procedures that come with classic Italian coffee culture. No cappuccino after noon, and nothing gourd related in your latte. If anything, Sagittarius is looking for one of two things—either the most authentic beverage or the rarest. Save the syrupy drinks for the TikTok tweens and the matcha powder for a streaming app’s baking competition show. Adventurous Sagittarius will respect you if you’re drinking mate in the Andes through a metal straw. Now that’s something that places you as far as possible from the beaten path. Unless it’s bordering on cultural appropriation…which they don’t want to be caught doing either. Water, that’s the safest bet of all, right?
Gemini is too busy to wait in line behind all the other basic Fall girlies waiting for a PSL. They need a red eye with four shots of espresso, which is why they placed their order from the mobile app while they were already en route. A Gemini’s day starts well before dawn, and they don’t have the mental capacity to fraternize with anyone who thinks coffee is a dessert and not an absolute survival necessity, like water, air, or clothing. One time, Gemini couldn’t get their coffee until 9 a.m. due to unforeseen circumstances, and it ruined everyone’s day for an entire 25 mile radius. I’m not exaggerating. Best not to mention it to them lest it produce an aftershock.