{"id":3418,"date":"2022-02-14T19:29:51","date_gmt":"2022-02-14T19:29:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.zodiacheist.com\/?p=3418"},"modified":"2022-02-14T19:41:39","modified_gmt":"2022-02-14T19:41:39","slug":"youre-sidelined-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zodiacheist.com\/youre-sidelined-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"What To Do When You\u2019re Being Sidelined In A Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"
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This article is written for those of you who have endured the heartbreaking and icky misery of getting phased out from somebody\u2019s life. Perhaps by having your expectations managed down over time, or by finding yourself gradually getting confined to particular \u2018time slots\u2019 with someone who was previously excited to see you. Often, this happens without prior warning. Worst of all, it happens without you having any control over it.<\/p>\n

As you rack your brain, wondering what you might have said or done to make it happen, they are seemingly getting on nicely with their life.\u00a0You get fixated on this mind-boggling experience and ask yourself if you are just being too needy or if the feeling of disengagement is real. You find yourself rereading early texts and emails to find some sort of lead that will help you understand their sudden change in attitude towards you. But you find nothing.<\/p>\n

So, you begin to wonder whether to confront the situation head-on, but worry that it may come across as pathetic or controlling. Instead, you keep it in and suffer in isolation with your stomach-churning neediness and discomfort.<\/p>\n

To get your head around\u00a0why<\/i>\u00a0this happened, please accept that you are not going to find the answers by putting yourself under the microscope. Tempting as it is to scrutinize your behaviors (as this might make you feel like you still have some control over the situation), you would save yourself plenty of time and effort by viewing this sudden change as a red flag on their part instead. The idea of being phased out is often an early sign of a far bigger problem. Do trust that the little boat you are floating along in has just encountered only the tip of a huge iceberg.\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

The predictable pattern of a relationship that is doomed from the start<\/h2>\n

As psychologists, we have the privilege of witnessing many different behavior patterns unfold. Many of these patterns are nearly identical even across different clients. The \u2018sinking feeling\u2019 of a partner\u2019s sudden withdrawal is something that we hear about and witness constantly. From here on, things typically follow a predictable pattern of gradual phase-out.<\/p>\n

The part that feels particularly important to share with you is that these clients are\u00a0rarely ever wrong<\/i>\u00a0in their instincts. Yes, there are times when I witness individuals who may be wondering whether a new stable and healthy relationship could be \u2018right\u2019 due to the lack of unpredictability and drama. This is often the case for clients with a history of unhealthy relationships. What is incredibly rare, however, is to see an individual who presents with anxiety (after the sudden withdrawal of a new partner) coming back to report that the partner has come around again in any sustained fashion.<\/p>\n

The \u2018hot\u2019\u00a0phase\u00a0\u2013 when you feel \u2018chosen\u2019 and prioritized<\/h2>\n

\u2018Lisa\u2019, a client of mine, had been going out with a guy, \u2018Darren\u2019, whom she had met through a friend a few months back (please note that the genders involved have no relevance in this dynamic<\/i>). He had taken the first steps to pursue her, and in the early months of seeing each other, he was all over her. He was keen to spend all of his free time with her. He would even make frequent remarks about a shared future. The old saying \u201clove can move mountains\u201d had a real manifestation here. Indeed, busy as he was in his role as a law-firm partner, he would cancel work shifts, dismiss nights out with friends, and even miss the odd deadline at work so that he could remain in bed for that extra hour in the morning.\u00a0For Lisa, the very fact that he was so busy in general and yet could afford to spend the extra time with her felt like flattery in its own right. Never had she felt so special and prioritized. This stage went on for about 10 weeks.<\/p>\n

The \u2018hot and cold\u00a0phase\u2019- When you start feeling like contact is falling short but there are still intermittent spurts of intensity<\/p>\n

At this point, there is a distinct feeling that something has changed, yet there is nothing tangible to pin it down to. It is very much a feeling that you get. When you meet up with them, everything feels so great and connected that you ridicule your own doubts by telling yourself,\u00a0\u201cThis feels so great\/real\/intense \u2013 I must have just imagined those negative feelings.\u201d<\/i><\/p>