{"id":31593,"date":"2023-12-20T12:34:38","date_gmt":"2023-12-20T12:34:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.zodiacheist.com\/?p=31593"},"modified":"2023-12-20T15:13:35","modified_gmt":"2023-12-20T15:13:35","slug":"whether-youll-go-to-heaven-or-the-underworld-based-on-your-zodiac-sign","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zodiacheist.com\/whether-youll-go-to-heaven-or-the-underworld-based-on-your-zodiac-sign\/","title":{"rendered":"Whether You\u2019ll Go To Heaven Or The Underworld, Based On Your Zodiac Sign"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u201cClick Here To Discover What Men Secretly Want, But They Could Never Tell You.\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/h4>\n

This is obviously a joke and I\u2019m a scorpio. So, like, enjoy and don\u2019t take any of this too seriously.<\/em><\/p>\n

1. LIBRA<\/h2>\n

There\u2019s no doubt about it\u2014you\u2019ve been a very good girl. If your rewards don\u2019t come in this life\u2014and sometimes it seems like they never will, right?\u2014they will definitely come in the next. Not only are you going to heaven\u2014you\u2019re getting your own customized, personally tailored Sky Box right up at the top. Great view. Fantastic food. Ridiculously comfortable bed. Six-person jacuzzi. Personalized butler service, too\u2014and you should see the butler! Rrrow!<\/p>\n

\u201cClick Here to Find Libra Man Secrets You Need To Know\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/h4>\n

2. TAURUS<\/h2>\n

\u201cClick Here to Find Taurus Man Secrets You Need To Know\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/h4>\n

You\u2019re so good, it even makes God wince every once in a while. God even has trouble remembering if you\u2019ve ever sinned\u2014she\u2019s pretty sure you have, but she can\u2019t put a time or a place on it. Maybe it was the time you took an extra piece of candy from the candy jar in school, but beyond that you\u2019ve been as clean as a freshly bleached whistle. Harps and wings and pretty clouds await you in the next life.<\/p>\n

3. PISCES<\/h2>\n

\u201cClick Here to Find Pisces Man Secrets You Need To Know\u201d<\/strong><\/a><\/h4>\n

You don\u2019t even need to pack a bag, because they already have a white gown ready for you. All the angels in heaven keep talking about how they can\u2019t wait to meet you. You\u2019ve walked the straight and narrow, and your reward will be a trip straight through the pearly gates. Just a warning\u2014St. Peter is probably going to try and hit on you at the gates, but ignore him. There are tons of hotter guys in heaven than him. And won\u2019t that be heavenly?<\/p>\n

4. SAGITTARIUS<\/h2>\n

\u201cClick Here to Find Sagittarius Man Secrets You Need To Know\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/h4>\n

You\u2019re headed in the right direction, but be careful not to make any U-turns. That white dress you\u2019re wearing is awfully pretty, but it won\u2019t look so nice if you accidentally spill ketchup all over it. Keep your eyes on the price, and if they try to lead you into temptation, kick them in the balls.<\/p>\n

5. AQUARIUS<\/h2>\n

\u201cClick Here to Find Aquarius Man Secrets You Need To Know\u201d<\/strong><\/a><\/h4>\n

You\u2019re a good girl during the week but a very naughty little girl on the weekends. This means you\u2019re still leaning toward heaven, but God forbid you have a few three-day weekends in a row before passing through this vale of tears into the afterlife. If you have to stand before the Great White Throne and be judged while you\u2019re still suffering from a nasty hangover, it might not go well for you.<\/p>\n

6. GEMINI<\/h2>\n

\u201cClick Here to Find Gemini Man Secrets You Need To Know\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/h4>\n

As with everything Twins-related, it could go either way for you. Sometimes it seems like you\u2019ll wind up singing with the Choir Invisible. Other times I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll be wailing the dirges of the condemned as flames lick at your flesh. You have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. If you know what\u2019s for your own good, start listening to the angel.<\/p>\n

7. LEO<\/h2>\n

\u201cClick Here to Find Leo Man Secrets You Need To Know\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/h4>\n

Which way will the lioness go? Well, if the lioness keeps clawing out the eyes of other girls because she\u2019s a drama queen who\u2019s always fighting over boys and social status, she\u2019ll go to hell. But if she straightens up and starts licking clean all the wounds she\u2019s inflicted on herself and others, there\u2019s a good chance she\u2019ll spend eternity purring loudly up in heaven.<\/p>\n

8. CANCER<\/h2>\n

\u201cClick Here to Find Cancer Man Secrets You Need To Know\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/h4>\n

You know you\u2019ve been bad. I know you\u2019ve been bad. Your mother knows you\u2019ve been bad. Everyone knows you\u2019ve been bad, and that includes God. If you want to keep being bad just for spite, well, God can be spiteful, too. Just sayin\u2019.<\/p>